Funny Quotes Phrases

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Funny Quotes Phrases



I am not lazy, I am on energy saving mode.



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Some people are like clouds. When they go away, it's a brighter day.



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When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye.



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My life feels like a test I didn't study for.



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If you're too open-minded; your brains will fall out.



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My neighbors are listening to great music. Whether they like it or not.



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I bought one of those tapes to teach you Spanish in your sleep. During the night, the tape skipped. Now I can only stutter in Spanish



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Good judgment comes from experience, and experience ... well, that comes from poor judgment.



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The evening news is where they start by saying ‘good evening', and proceed by telling you why it's not.



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I made a huge to do list for today. I just can't figure out who's going to do it.



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He who laughs last didn't get it.



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I love my job only when I'm on vacation.



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You're born free, then you're taxed to death.



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Real Eyes. Realize. Real Lies.



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If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving is not for you.



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Love – is an extreme sympathy that leads to bed.



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Be strong, I whispered to my WiFi signal.



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A single death is a tragedy; a million deaths is a statistic.



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You're my favorite thing to do.



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Have some patience, I'm screwing things up as fast as possible.



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Girls are like phones We love to be held and talked to but if you press the wrong button you'll be disconnected!



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Keep smiling, it makes people wonder what you're up to.



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If you wish to live wisely ignore sayings including this one.



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Caution, Blind Man Driving.



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If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the Up button.



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Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.



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I never criticize referees and I'm not going to change a habit for that part.



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Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film!



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If at first you don't succeed, cheat, repeat until caught, and then lie.



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Consciousness- that annoying time between naps.



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It takes 42 muscels to smile, so instead pick up your middle finger and say bite me in a bitchy tone!



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Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.



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I can see clearly now, the brain is gone...



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Laughter is the shock absorber that eases the blows of life.


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Borrow money from pessimists they don't expect it back.


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Thank you for not annoying me more than you do.


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Love is temporary insanity curable by marriage.


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Procrastinate now, don't put it off.


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Always laugh when you can.It is cheapest medicine.


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Thank you for not annoying me more than you do.


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Love is like a booger.You keep picking at it until you get it then wonder what to do with it.


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Crazy is a relative term in my family.


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Brigands demand your money or your life women require both.


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It is dangerous to be right when the government is wrong.


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Men chocolate and coffee are all better rich.


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I went to a meeting for premature ejaculators. I left early.


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By persistently remaining single a man converts himself into a permanent public temptation.


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A compromise is an agreement whereby both parties get what neither of them wanted.
Anybody can win, unless there happens to be a second entry.



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I never criticise referees and i'm not going to change a habit for that prat..


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Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film!


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Love is temporary insanity curable by marriage..


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All those who believe in telekinesis, raise my hand..


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A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on..


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When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane..


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What will you do when you leave football, Jack, will you stay in football..


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A conclusion is the part where you got tired of thinking..


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Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.


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"Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy. "


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A psychiatrist is a person who will give you expensive answers that your wife will give you for free.


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Someday your prince charming will come. Mine just took a wrong turn, got lost, and is too stubborn to ask for directions.


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You know the speed of light, so what's the speed of dark?


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Sure there have been injuries and deaths in boxing - but none of them serious..


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If you want me to stop being a smartass, just stop being such a dumbass.


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Crying is not necessarily a sign of weak character. Sometimes it is a sign of strong onions.


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If you think nobody cares if you're alive, struggle missing a couple of payments.


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